Dear Agnes,

I share share share all of my glorious Instagram videos yet the love of my life doesn’t respond! How do I get her to giggle and smile online???

Gooch Lover #5

Dear Gooch Lover #5,

I will admit, this letter from you, Gooch Lover “#5” (and why number five?! Why not number one?), has deeply, deeply concerned me. Do you mean to tell me that instead of wooing this “love of your life” directly (as in, face to face), you are instead relying on some lackluster digital presence? Even if you are the one in these measly online videos and your name is Carol Burnett, you really have missed the mark. And shame on you. Shame!

It reminds me of a time I was being pursued by a gentleman, we’ll call him Red. I was living abroad in Italy at the time while studying the brilliant sculptural works of Koons and was deep into my third negroni while sunning myself at a sidewalk cafe when this astonishingly handsome man approached. Well, he made his intentions known quite quickly (the Italians are such a forward bunch, it’s a divine change of pace from the passive and timid American male). Anyway, I told him I was not that kind of woman (most of the time) and that he would need to … work a little harder. And do you know what he did?! Only just invite me to fabulous parties and buy me fabulous things and introduce me to fabulous people. And while I will say it worked (in a manner of speaking), it also made it fantastically easy for me to break things off once I was bored of him. The reason being? It was just a bunch of pomp and circumstance, all show and very little tell, peacock feathers without the goose. You know what I mean.

You must dig deeper with this love of yours. Show her how much she means to you and not by way of some ridiculously quaint online video. Bring those efforts into the real world, my dear. And if your personality happens to be lacking in the areas of wit and humor that has forced you to rely on others, then see this as a challenge to better yourself. No one loves a bore.

But I do just want to say one more thing and that is how much I love a gay. Free love and all that. So, well done there! You’re already twice more interesting than the rest of us.

Cheers, dear.

Love, Agnes

Dear Agnes,

I don’t know if I should keep meeting men on Mafiamatch. They all seem like good fellas, but I never get a call for a second date. I call them, but the message I get is always the same: The number you’ve dialed is no longer in service. I’ve had it up to here with looking for the next Mr. Right. Please advise. I’m so desperate and they probably smell that. Do you think so?

Pixie Cartel

Dear Pixie,

Oh my poor lost little lamb, of course they smell your desperation. Like a cheap gas station perfume. And you just keep leading yourself to slaughter doused in it. But let me tell you something: gone are the days of women needing a man, of women required to have a warm meal ready for the mister at 6 o’clock sharp, of women needing anything outside of what they can already give themselves. Men should merely be the nuts to your decadent banana split sundae, not the cherry on top.

Men are never the answer to our problems. We often think they are but they only introduce us to more problems. My advice to you, lamb chop, is take a break. Find yourself. Get cultured. Create some mystery and intrigue. Because clearly you need a hard reboot. And I hear Havana and Sicily are just gorgeous this time of year. Once men realize you don’t need them after all, you’ll start smelling like Chanel No. 5 in no time.

Cheers, dear.

Love, Agnes